Is Your Relationship Toxic?
Overview
When you're in a happy relationship, everything just seems
to fall into place. Sure, there are setbacks, but you typically make decisions
together, discuss any issues honestly, and really enjoy each other's presence. Relationships
that are toxic are a different thing. When you're in one, it's much more
difficult to spot red signs. According to relationship therapist Jor-El
Caraballo, if you frequently feel tired or dissatisfied after spending time
with your spouse, it might be an indication that something has to change. Here
are some tell-tale indicators of toxicity in a relationship, as well as what to
do if you notice them in your own.
How does it appear?
According to Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of "Joy
from Fear," symptoms of toxicity can be subtle or evident depending on the
nature of the connection.
You may recognise any of these indicators in yourself, your
spouse, or the relationship itself if you're in a toxic relationship.
Toxic Communication
Most of your interactions are filled with sarcasm,
criticism, or overt animosity, rather than treating each other with kindness.
You could even start avoiding each other's company.
Jealousy
While it's natural to feel jealous of others from time to
time, Caraballo adds that it may become a problem if you can't bring yourself
to think or feel positively about their achievements.
Insufficient support
Your time together has ceased to be constructive or
supportive of your objectives.
Caraballo adds that “healthy relationships are founded on a
shared desire to see the other thrive in all aspects of life.” When things
become poisonous, though, every accomplishment becomes a competition. To put it
another way, you don't feel like they've got your back.
Controlling one's actions
Controlling behavior, such as constantly questioning where
you are or growing enraged when you don't respond to texts right away, can add
to toxicity in a relationship.
These attempts to exert control over you may be a symptom of
abuse in some circumstances.
Resentment
Holding grudges and allowing them to linger erodes
closeness.
“Frustration or anger may pile up over time and widen a tiny
chasm,” Caraballo says.
Dishonesty
To avoid spending time with your spouse, you find yourself
making up stories about your whereabouts or who you meet up with on a regular
basis.
Disrespectful patterns
Being persistently late, nonchalantly “forgetting” events,
and other actions that demonstrate a disregard for time, according to Manly,
are all warning flags.
Negative monetary
habits
Your partner may make financial decisions without informing
you, such as purchasing high-ticket products or withdrawing significant sums of
money.
Constant anxiety
Every relationship has some level of stress, but if you're
always on edge, it's a sign that something isn't right.
This constant tension can have a negative impact on your
physical and mental health.
Ignoring your requirements
According to clinical psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD,
going along with anything your spouse wants to do, even if it goes against your
preferences or comfort level, is a clear indicator of toxicity.
You could, for example, consent to a trip they arranged at
dates that aren't convenient for you, either purposefully or accidentally.
Relationships that have been lost
To prevent confrontation with your spouse or to avoid having
to explain what's going on in your relationship, you've stopped spending time
with friends and relatives.
Alternatively, you may discover that your spare time is
consumed by resolving issues with your spouse.
Self-care is lacking.
In a toxic relationship, you may abandon your regular
self-care routines, according to Lawsin.
You could stop doing things you used to like, ignore your
health, and give up your spare time.
Wishing for a different future
You may choose to continue in the relationship because you recognize the other person's potential or because you believe that if you alter
yourself and your behaviors, they will change as well.
Walking on eggshells You’re afraid that bringing up concerns would cause a lot of conflict, so you become conflict averse and keep your problems to yourself.
Is there any hope for the relationship?
Many people believe that toxic relationships are doomed from
the start, but this isn't always true. What makes a difference? Manly believes
that both spouses must want to change. “Unfortunately,
there is little possibility of change if just one spouse is committed in
developing healthy patterns,” she continues.
Here are a few more indicators that you might be able to
resolve your issues.
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| more for healthy health |
Investing readiness
You both have an open mind-set and a desire to put effort
into improving your relationship.
“This may take the form of a desire to have more in-depth
conversations,” Manly adds, or it could take the form of setting aside regular
blocks of time to spend quality time together.
Responsibility acceptance
Manly emphasizes the need of both parties recognizing prior
acts that have hurt the partnership. It demonstrates a desire for
self-awareness and accountability.
Change your mind-set from blaming to understanding.
There may be a way forward if you can both guide the
dialogue away from blame and toward understanding and learning.
Acceptance of outside assistance
This is a significant issue. Individual or couple
counselling may be required at times to help you get things back on track.
How can we move forward?
Repairing a toxic relationship, according to Manly, will
require time, patience, and dedication.
“Given that most toxic relationships typically develop as a
result of persistent difficulties in the current relationship, or as a result
of untreated issues from past relationships,” Manly says, this is especially
true.
Here are some suggestions for getting things back on track.
Don't get caught up in the past.
Yes, dealing with previous occurrences will very certainly
be a component of mending the relationship. However, this should not be your
relationship's primary priority in the future.
Refrain from bringing up bad possibilities all of the time.
View your partner with compassion
If you find yourself blaming your spouse for all of the
issues in your relationship, Caraballo recommends taking a step back and
examining the probable motivators behind their actions.
Have they been having difficulties at work? Was there any
sort of familial drama on their minds?
These aren't justifications for poor behaviour; they may
also help you understand where your spouse is coming from.
Look for help
Look for alternative forms of support, regardless of whether
you decide to undergo treatment.
Perhaps talking to a trusted friend or attending a local
support group for couples or partners struggling with specific difficulties in
their relationship, such as adultery or substance abuse, is a good place to
start.
Communicate effectively.
As you fix things, pay special attention to how you
communicate to each other. Be kind to one another. For the time being, avoid
sarcasm and minor barbs.
Focus on utilizing "I" phrases, particularly when
discussing interpersonal difficulties stead of stating, "You don't listen
to what I'm saying," say, "I feel like you aren't listening to me
when you pull out your phone while I'm talking."
Be responsible.
Lawsin adds that “both spouses must accept their involvement
in generating the toxicity.”
This entails recognizing and accepting responsibility for
your own behavior in the relationship. Being present and engaged during
unpleasant talks is also important.
Heal on your own.
According to Lawsin, it's critical for each of you to figure
out what you want out of the relationship and where your boundaries are.
Even if you think you already know what your requirements
and boundaries are, it's a good idea to go over them again.
The process of mending a broken relationship provides an
excellent opportunity to reconsider your feelings about specific aspects of the
partnership.
Hold space for the other’s change
Remember, things won’t change overnight. Over the coming months, work together on being flexible and patient with each other as you grow.
Abuse vs. toxicity
Toxicity in a relationship can manifest itself in a variety
of ways, including abuse. Abusive behavior can never be justified. It's
doubtful that you'll be able to modify your partner's conduct on your own.
Abuse comes in a variety of forms. This might make it
difficult to spot, especially if you've been in a toxic relationship for a long
time.
Physical or emotional abuse is indicated by the following
indicators. It's generally advisable to leave if you identify any of these in
your relationship.
This is easier said than done, but we have some resources at
the conclusion of this section that can assist.
Low self-esteem
Your partner holds you responsible for everything that goes
wrong, making you feel as if you are incapable of doing anything right.
Manly adds, "You end up feeling tiny, bewildered,
humiliated, and frequently weary." They may do it by condescending,
disregarding, or publicly shaming you.
Anxiety and chronic stress
It’s normal to have periods of frustration with your partner
or doubts about your future together. But you shouldn’t be spending significant
amounts of time worrying about the relationship or your safety and security.
Separate from Friends and family
When you're in a toxic relationship, it's natural to withdraw
from friends and family. An abusive spouse, on the other hand, may push you to
withdraw from your support system.
To distract you, they could, for example, disconnect the
phone while you're talking or get in your face. They could even persuade you
that your loved ones don't want to hear from you in the first place.
Interference with school or work
Isolating and controlling you by prohibiting you from
finding work or studying is a strategy for isolating and controlling you.
They could also try to embarrass you at work or school by
making a commotion or talking to your employer or teachers.
Intimidation and fear
An abusive spouse may erupt in fury or use intimidation
techniques like pounding their fists against walls or refusing to let you leave
the house during a quarrel.
Name-calling and insults
Verbal abuse includes insults aimed at humiliating and
undermining your interests, looks, or accomplishments.
Here are some instances of what a spouse who is verbally abusive could say:
·“You have no value.”
·“You're incapable of doing anything right.”
·“No one else could ever love you,” says the narrator.
Financial constraints
They may have complete control over all incoming funds,
preventing you from opening your own bank account, limiting your access to
credit cards, or simply providing you with a daily stipend.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation method that
causes you to doubt your own feelings, intuition, and sanity.
They could attempt to persuade you that they've never been
abusive, saying that it's all in your brain. By behaving like the victim,
people may accuse you of having rage and control difficulties.
Threats self-harm
Manipulation and abuse are when someone threatens you with
suicide or self-harm in order to get you to do something.
Physical violence
Threats and verbal insults can escalate to physical violence. If your partner is pushing, slapping, or hitting you, it’s a clear sign that the relationship has become dangerous.
